some of you may have suffered through my drama a few weeks ago when i thought i fell really hard for a boy. well, now that i have had time to reflect, i think i figured out what happened. it was a variation of "it's not you, it's me". you know how anger and frustration can build up and you end up snapping and taking it out on someone that is not even related to the situation? well, as odd as it sounds, i believe that is what happened with my love. instead of misplaced/displaced anger, it was misplaced/displaced love. it wasn't necessarily the guy... it was my need to be shown the attention i got for those few hours. (hey kids, don't get the wrong idea... i just mean that someone liked me in return. i didn't even kiss the guy.) now... i'm not saying i retract or regret my attraction to said guy. i'm just saying that once i had time to step back and look at it, it wasn't all i built it up to be.
i've been single for the most part of 7 years. i'm craving love. i met a boy last year that i was (am) quite taken with. but he has a girl. and i am not a home-wrecker. so... we have stayed strictly friends, and i do not openly express my feelings for him. (oh lord, if he reads this, please let him know nothing is weird. i'm just getting this out.) some people just put you at ease and spin your top at the same time... does that make sense? but isn't that what everyone wants? someone that, when you are around them, they make the world slow and your heart race.
most of my friends are music / comedy friends. people i meet and see at shows. we hang out at shows. for the most part, there hasn't been a lot of one-on-one time with many of the people i "know" since i moved to nyc. while i am not at all discounting my friendships, i am just saying that i think i know more about them than they know about me. sometimes i feel like the tori lyrics: "and i think there're pieces of me / you've never seen / maybe she's just pieces of me / you've never seen". but i don't want to force anything. i'm trying to be patient! i've been single for the most part of 7 years, and i've been trying to move to nyc for 3 years. well, i'm finally living in nyc! slowly but surly... it will all fall into place. destiny will turn on the radio. the stars will align.