That's just about right. I read lyrics and websites and blogs and books, listen to sad songs and love songs, watch videos and movies, see couples on the subway, see old boyfriends and old crushes with their new girls online, go to live music shows where cute boys with musical toys and angelic voices fill my heart with one song, break it with another, then put it back together again by the end of their set... and they don't even know it.
"What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?" -Rob Gordon, High Fidelity
I started writing this last week and have since done all of the above, repeatedly, and I still can't find the words to keep writing anything that will make sense. Maybe it isn't suppose to make sense. Maybe that is what makes it beautiful and heart-breaking and worth it.
Why do I seem to be cursed with falling for unavailable guys? In a relationship, married, on the rebound, long distance. Sometimes I feel like I fill the gaps that their significant others can't, don't or won't. But no one really notices or pays attention to the mosaic glues and grout... they are attracted to the shiny and colorful bigger picture.
While talking with a friend a couple of days ago, I wrote myself a note on my to-do list as a reminder I needed to send him an email. He corrected me, saying I spelled his name wrong. I replied, "I know. but didn't you say that's how you *wish* your name was spelled?" Surprised I remembered, he said, "Wow. You're a keeper."
le sigh. They say it's the little things that make the difference... but all my little things don't seem to add up to a hill of beans.
Sometimes I feel like Rose from "Sunshine Cleaning"...
"There's not a lot that I am good at. I'm good at getting guys to want me - not date me or marry me - but want me. I am good at that."
And all of these quotes make me think of yet another quote:
-- see "sleepless" link, below --
Aaaaand with re-reading this, I am beginning to feel like a downer. Not my intention at all. Maybe I should go back to one of the other 3 blogs I've been writing. Give this love thing a rest. If only that were possible.
"I've no answers / to these questions / buried deep inside" -Ryan Hamilton
click here: My favorite scene from one of my favorite movies, Heaven Can Wait
(underlined text is clickable to links)