i believe in fate. and luck. and persistence. and patience. and love. and dr winston.

some of you may have suffered through my drama a few weeks ago when i thought i fell really hard for a boy. well, now that i have had time to reflect, i think i figured out what happened. it was a variation of "it's not you, it's me". you know how anger and frustration can build up and you end up snapping and taking it out on someone that is not even related to the situation? well, as odd as it sounds, i believe that is what happened with my love. instead of misplaced/displaced anger, it was misplaced/displaced love. it wasn't necessarily the guy... it was my need to be shown the attention i got for those few hours. (hey kids, don't get the wrong idea... i just mean that someone liked me in return. i didn't even kiss the guy.) now... i'm not saying i retract or regret my attraction to said guy. i'm just saying that once i had time to step back and look at it, it wasn't all i built it up to be.

i've been single for the most part of 7 years. i'm craving love. i met a boy last year that i was (am) quite taken with. but he has a girl. and i am not a home-wrecker. so... we have stayed strictly friends, and i do not openly express my feelings for him. (oh lord, if he reads this, please let him know nothing is weird. i'm just getting this out.) some people just put you at ease and spin your top at the same time... does that make sense? but isn't that what everyone wants? someone that, when you are around them, they make the world slow and your heart race.

most of my friends are music / comedy friends. people i meet and see at shows. we hang out at shows. for the most part, there hasn't been a lot of one-on-one time with many of the people i "know" since i moved to nyc. while i am not at all discounting my friendships, i am just saying that i think i know more about them than they know about me. sometimes i feel like the tori lyrics: "and i think there're pieces of me / you've never seen / maybe she's just pieces of me / you've never seen". but i don't want to force anything. i'm trying to be patient! i've been single for the most part of 7 years, and i've been trying to move to nyc for 3 years. well, i'm finally living in nyc! slowly but surly... it will all fall into place. destiny will turn on the radio. the stars will align.

"I fell in love so many times today, and no one knew but me" -Aaron Lee Tasjan

That's just about right. I read lyrics and websites and blogs and books, listen to sad songs and love songs, watch videos and movies, see couples on the subway, see old boyfriends and old crushes with their new girls online, go to live music shows where cute boys with musical toys and angelic voices fill my heart with one song, break it with another, then put it back together again by the end of their set... and they don't even know it.

"What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?"
-Rob Gordon, High Fidelity


I started writing this last week and have since done all of the above, repeatedly, and I still can't find the words to keep writing anything that will make sense. Maybe it isn't suppose to make sense. Maybe that is what makes it beautiful and heart-breaking and worth it.

Why do I seem to be cursed with falling for unavailable guys? In a relationship, married, on the rebound, long distance. Sometimes I feel like I fill the gaps that their significant others can't, don't or won't. But no one really notices or pays attention to the mosaic glues and grout... they are attracted to the shiny and colorful bigger picture.

While talking with a friend a couple of days ago, I wrote myself a note on my to-do list as a reminder I needed to send him an email. He corrected me, saying I spelled his name wrong. I replied, "I know. but didn't you say that's how you
*wish* your name was spelled?" Surprised I remembered, he said, "Wow. You're a keeper."
le sigh. They say it's the little things that make the difference... but all my little things don't seem to add up to a hill of beans.

Sometimes I feel like Rose from "Sunshine Cleaning"...

"There's not a lot that I am good at. I'm good at getting guys to want me - not date me or marry me - but want me. I am good at that."

And all of these quotes make me think of yet another quote:

-- see "sleepless" link, below --

Aaaaand with re-reading this, I am beginning to feel like a downer. Not my intention at all. Maybe I should go back to one of the other 3 blogs I've been writing. Give this love thing a rest. If only that were possible.

"I've no answers / to these questions / buried deep inside"
-Ryan Hamilton

click here: My favorite scene from one of my favorite movies, Heaven Can Wait

(underlined text is clickable to links)
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