i believe in fate. and luck. and persistence. and patience. and love. and dr winston.

some of you may have suffered through my drama a few weeks ago when i thought i fell really hard for a boy. well, now that i have had time to reflect, i think i figured out what happened. it was a variation of "it's not you, it's me". you know how anger and frustration can build up and you end up snapping and taking it out on someone that is not even related to the situation? well, as odd as it sounds, i believe that is what happened with my love. instead of misplaced/displaced anger, it was misplaced/displaced love. it wasn't necessarily the guy... it was my need to be shown the attention i got for those few hours. (hey kids, don't get the wrong idea... i just mean that someone liked me in return. i didn't even kiss the guy.) now... i'm not saying i retract or regret my attraction to said guy. i'm just saying that once i had time to step back and look at it, it wasn't all i built it up to be.

i've been single for the most part of 7 years. i'm craving love. i met a boy last year that i was (am) quite taken with. but he has a girl. and i am not a home-wrecker. so... we have stayed strictly friends, and i do not openly express my feelings for him. (oh lord, if he reads this, please let him know nothing is weird. i'm just getting this out.) some people just put you at ease and spin your top at the same time... does that make sense? but isn't that what everyone wants? someone that, when you are around them, they make the world slow and your heart race.

most of my friends are music / comedy friends. people i meet and see at shows. we hang out at shows. for the most part, there hasn't been a lot of one-on-one time with many of the people i "know" since i moved to nyc. while i am not at all discounting my friendships, i am just saying that i think i know more about them than they know about me. sometimes i feel like the tori lyrics: "and i think there're pieces of me / you've never seen / maybe she's just pieces of me / you've never seen". but i don't want to force anything. i'm trying to be patient! i've been single for the most part of 7 years, and i've been trying to move to nyc for 3 years. well, i'm finally living in nyc! slowly but surly... it will all fall into place. destiny will turn on the radio. the stars will align.

"I fell in love so many times today, and no one knew but me" -Aaron Lee Tasjan

That's just about right. I read lyrics and websites and blogs and books, listen to sad songs and love songs, watch videos and movies, see couples on the subway, see old boyfriends and old crushes with their new girls online, go to live music shows where cute boys with musical toys and angelic voices fill my heart with one song, break it with another, then put it back together again by the end of their set... and they don't even know it.

"What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?"
-Rob Gordon, High Fidelity


I started writing this last week and have since done all of the above, repeatedly, and I still can't find the words to keep writing anything that will make sense. Maybe it isn't suppose to make sense. Maybe that is what makes it beautiful and heart-breaking and worth it.

Why do I seem to be cursed with falling for unavailable guys? In a relationship, married, on the rebound, long distance. Sometimes I feel like I fill the gaps that their significant others can't, don't or won't. But no one really notices or pays attention to the mosaic glues and grout... they are attracted to the shiny and colorful bigger picture.

While talking with a friend a couple of days ago, I wrote myself a note on my to-do list as a reminder I needed to send him an email. He corrected me, saying I spelled his name wrong. I replied, "I know. but didn't you say that's how you
*wish* your name was spelled?" Surprised I remembered, he said, "Wow. You're a keeper."
le sigh. They say it's the little things that make the difference... but all my little things don't seem to add up to a hill of beans.

Sometimes I feel like Rose from "Sunshine Cleaning"...

"There's not a lot that I am good at. I'm good at getting guys to want me - not date me or marry me - but want me. I am good at that."

And all of these quotes make me think of yet another quote:

-- see "sleepless" link, below --

Aaaaand with re-reading this, I am beginning to feel like a downer. Not my intention at all. Maybe I should go back to one of the other 3 blogs I've been writing. Give this love thing a rest. If only that were possible.

"I've no answers / to these questions / buried deep inside"
-Ryan Hamilton

click here: My favorite scene from one of my favorite movies, Heaven Can Wait

(underlined text is clickable to links)
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love love love love love.
the ever elusive... love.

i am aching for... pining for... craving a decent affectionate relationship right now. while, yes, something ridiculously serious has a nice ring to it (ring = NO pun or insinuation intended!) right now i could really go for something sweet and fun. no... i am not looking for a fling. as i have said before, i love to flirt, but deep down i'm really a hopeless romantic looking for true love. in the meantime, what i wouldn't give to have someone that makes me feel special. i miss holding hands... hugs... silly talks... serious conversations... sitting together on opposite ends of the couch, legs tangled in the middle, reading/writing in a comfortable silence with the occasional loving glance... making out... doing laundry... the list goes on.

thing is, i haven't been on a date in years. yeah... about 3. (3 years, that is, not 3 dates). about 3 or 4 years ago i dated a guy for about 4 months (long-distance, he broke it off) and i hadn't dated for about 2 years before that. and even before that, i was in about a 7 year relationship. granted, i have been through a LOT of medical / hospital issues in the past 3 years, but that reason doesn't make it suck any less. another technicality is that i don't like to randomly date. if you know me, you know i have no problem going out on my own (usually to music/comedy shows) and striking up conversations at random. but at the same time, i do feel somewhat like i am imposing on already established groups of friends and/or significant others.

let me explain it this way:

i love music and comedy. i especially love live music and comedy. there are no words for how wonderful i feel when live music is reverberating through my body and soul or when i am just plain laughing and smiling at comedy shows.

that being said... unless previously confirmed otherwise, i go to every show figuring that every musician/comic/artist i see/meet is probably in a relationship. i would imagine that anyone dating a performer of any kind has to know that fans of the opposite sex come with the territory. if this is something they cant handle, maybe they shouldn't be involved with someone in any kind of spotlight. anywhom... i am not out to break up any relationships. there are some people i just genuinely want to be friends with... and they happen to be performers. but i have, at shows, been given nasty looks or comments within obvious earshot. heck, i met a guitarist a few years back while waiting in line for the bathroom. he gave me his phone number... and when i came out of the stall in the bathroom his wife confronted me about leaving married men alone! i didn't know he was married and i didn't give him my number, he gave me his.

another thing i run into is that some performers are guarded, thinking that i am looking for a foot-in-the-door to do something for myself. i have no desire to be a stand-up comic or musician. well, let me clarify... i have all the passion and desire in the world to be a musician, i just don't have the talent. i have quite a few comedy and music friends and acquaintances... and i have to say, that early on in many of these friendships i was asked "so are you a comic/musician?" and/or "are you looking for stage time?" no, i am not looking for stage time... i am looking for friends. and that is especially true since a month ago i moved from michigan to nyc and only really had 1 friend when i got here. pretty much everyone else i know are warm-acquaintances.

okay, i think i am getting off topic here.
if you don't already know this happens quite often, you might want to prepare to get used to it. *wink*

what was i talking about?! oh yeah... love and relationships.

i don't usually ask a guy out. i'm too nervous and giddy and swoony and will probably make a fool of myself. a while back i was somewhat interested in a guy and casually i asked if he would like to get lunch or dinner or something just to hang out. he somewhat blew me off, but then we saw each other at a show and started talking. about 2 minutes into the conversation, he asked, point blank, if i asked him out to have sex. ugh. no. i honestly just wanted to hangout and get to know each other better. he proceeded with the age thing... that i am too young. i'm 34 and he is 43. whatever. i'm too young but he wanted to talk about the sex thing? i still like the guy as a performer, and i could write off that single odd conversation and be friends, but i feel like now it is an underlying uncomfortableness when we are at the same venue.

then there are the younger guys. not one in particular. but in general, when someone in their 20s asks me how old i am and i say 34, while they are sweet and tell me i don't look 34, i tend to notice a resignation of flirtatious vibes.

as my lovely friend [lauren]@causticsoda tweeted:

"I've decided [angela]@imaginebttrfly is overly prone to school girl crushes. She's lucky I'm the same way otherwise I'd totally mock her for it."

i know "they" say that "good things come to those who wait", but i have been single about 6 1/2 of the last 7 years. yikes.

something else that feels like a blemish on my relationship resume is the fact that i can't have kids. due to miserable female health issues, i had to have a hysterectomy in august 2006. it was not a tough decision for me. i had been suffering in pain for about 14 years. it took a ton of doctors, surgeries, and experimental treatments until i finally found a doctor that was willing to give me a hysterectomy. every other doctor just wanted me to be on drugs the rest of my life... and even on the drugs i was still getting sick. they said since i was young, not married, no kids, they wouldn't give me a hysterectomy. i just wanted the pain gone! if i ever want kids, i can adopt. i just wanted to be out of pain. in the 4 1/2 years since my surgery, i have only had related pain once. i am overjoyed with the success of the surgery! however, most guys i tend to like are the artistic/creative type and want to create a little creative jr of their own. (if you know what i mean). so, there's that.

i suppose these are all of my current thoughts on this topic. but i am certain this is not the last of them.

and so i will conclude this entry with a song that has always been dear to me.
much love.
be well.

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